It’s Over

I ended things with Matt today.  I feel simultaneously brokenhearted and relieved.  I want to cry and laugh all at once.  And the worst part of all of it is that Liam can tell something is wrong.  Matt wasn’t here tonight for supper or to play with him after supper, or before bed, and Liam cried for two hours, and then had the hardest time getting to sleep.  Poor little boy.

September 2, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Psychology of Passive-Aggressives

For those of you who are like me and like to dig deep into the psychology of things, here is the psychology of the passive aggressive, taken from:  http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TRAITS
“Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man”
This is the “condensed” version.   For the expanded version please see Dr. Wetzler’s book,  pages 35-37…

*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY  – Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs – usually by trying to control you.

*FEAR OF INTIMACY – Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility.  He’s often out of touch with his feelings,  reflexively denying feelings he thinks will “trap” or reveal him, like love.  He picks fights to create distance.

*FEAR OF COMPETITION – Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love.  He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he’ll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.

*OBSTRUCTIONISM – Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you.  But he won’t say when, and he”ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you.  Maybe he won’t comply at all.  He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.

*FOSTERING CHAOS – The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.

*FEELING VICTIMIZED – The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds.  To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.

*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING – The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not  fulfilling promises.  As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love – to have power over you – the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.

*PROCRASTINATION – The p/a man has an odd sense of time – he believes that deadlines don’t exist for him.

*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS – One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time.  By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship.  And his selective forgetting – used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.

*AMBIGUITY – He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences.  When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.

*SULKING – Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.

A passive-aggressive man won’t have every single one of these traits, but he’ll have many of them.  He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

FROM:  Kaplan, H.I. & Saddock, B.J.  (1997)  SYNOPSIS OF PSYCHIATRY, 8th ed.  Baltimore:  Williams & Wilkins

The following is an excerpt from the above:
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER

People with PAPD are characterized by covert obstructionism, procrastination, stubbornness, and inefficiency.  Such behavior is a manifestation of passively expressed underlying aggression.  In the DSM-IV the disorder is also called negativistic PD.

CLINICAL FEATURES

PAPD patients characteristically procrastinate, resist demands for adequate performance, find excuses for delays, and find fault with those on whom they depend; yet they refuse to extricate themselves from the dependent relationships.  They usually lack assertiveness and are not direct about their own needs and wishes.  They fail to ask needed questions about what is expected of them and may become anxious when forced to succeed or when their usual defense of turning anger against themselves is removed.

In interpersonal relationships, these people attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence, but others often experience this passive, self-detrimental behavior as punitive and munipulative.  People with this disorder expect others to do their errands and to carry out their routine responsibilities.  Friends and clinicians may become enmeshed in trying to assuage the patients’ many claims of unjust treatment.  The close relationships of people with PAPD, however, are rarely tranquil or happy.  Because they are bound to their resentment more closely than to their satisfaction, they may never even formulate goals for finding enjoyment in life.  People with this disorder lack self-confidence and are typically pessimistic about the future.

DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS:

PAPD must be differentiated from histrionic and borderline PD.  Patients with PAPD, however, are less flamboyant, dramatic, affective and openly aggressive than those with histrionic and borderline PD.

COURSE & PROGNOSIS:

In a follow-up study averaging 11 years of 100 PA inpatients, Small found that the primary diagnosis in 54 was PAPD; 18 were alcohol abusers, and 30 could be clinically labeled depressed.  Of the 73 former patients located, 58 (79%) had persistent psychiatric difficulties and 9 (12%) were considered symptom-free.  Most seemed irritable, anxious, and depressed; somatic (internal physical) complaints were numerous.  Only 32 (44%) were employed full time as workers or homemakers.  Although neglect of responsibility and suicide attempts were common, only one patient had committed suicide in the interim.  28 had been readmitted to a hospital, but the disorders of only 34 had been diagnosed as schizophrenia.

TREATMENT:

Patients with PAPD who receive supportive psychotherapy have good outcomes, but psychotherapy for these patients has many pitfalls.  To fulfill their demands is often to support their pathology, but to refuse their demands is to reject them.  Therapy sessions can thus become a battleground on which the patient expresses feelings of resentment against the therapist on whom the patient wishes to become dependent.  With these patients, clinicians must treat suicide gestures as any covert expression of anger, and not as object loss in major depressive disorder.  Therapists must point out the probable consequences of PA behaviors as they occur.  Such confrontations may be more helpful than a correct interpretation on changing patients’ behavior.

Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
(Negativistic Personality Disorder)
DSM IV   – 4th Edition
FEATURES:

The essential feature is a pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations that begins by early adulthood and that occurs in a variety of contexts. This pattern does not occur exclusively during Major Depressive Episodes and is not better accounted for by Dysthymic Disorder.  These individuals habitually resent, oppose, and resist demands to function at the level expected by others.  This opposition occurs most frequently in work situations but can also be evident in social functioning.  The resistance is expressed by procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and intentional  inefficiency, especialy in response to tasks assigned by authority figures.   These individuals obstruct the efforts of others by failing to do their share of the work.  For example, when an executive gives a subordinate some material to review for a meeting the next morning, the subordinate may misplace or misfile the material rather than point out that there is insufficient time to do the work.   These individuals feel cheated, unappreciated, and misunderstood and chronically complain to others.  When difficulties appear, they blame their failures on the behaviors of others.  They may be sullen, irritable, impatient, argumentative, cynical, skeptical and contrary.  Authority figures (e.g., a superior at work, a teacher at school, a parent, or a spouse who acts the role of a parent) often become the focus of discontent.  Because of their negativism and tendency to externalize blame, these individuals often criticize and voice hostility toward authority figures with minimal provocation.  They are also envious and resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures.  These individuals often complain about their personal misforturnes.  They have a negative view of the future and may make comments such as, “It doesn’t pay to be good” and “Good things don’t last.”  These individuals may waver between expressing hostile defiance toward those they view as causing their problems and attempting to mollify these persons by asking forgiveness or promising to perform better in the future.

ASSOCIATED FEATURES:

These individuals are often overtly ambivalent, wavering indecisively from one course of action to its opposite.  They may follow an erratic path that causes endless wrangles with others and disappointments for themselves.  An intense conflict between dependence on others and the desire for self-assertion is characteristic of these individuals.  Their self-confidence is often poor despite a superficial bravado.  They foresee the worst possible outcome for most situations, even those that are going well.  This defeatist outlook can evoke hostile and negative responses from others who are subjected to the complaints of these individuals.   This pattern of behavior often occurs in individuals with  Borderline, Histrionic, Paranoid, Dependent, Antisocial, and Avoidant Personality Disorders.

DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS:

In DSM-IV, individuals whose presentation meets these research criteria would be diagnosed as having PERSONALITY DISORDER NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED.
In OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER, there is a similar pattern of negativistic attitudes and problems with authority figures, but Oppositional Defiant Disorder is usually diagnosed in children, whereas this proposed disorder should be considered only in adults.  This pattern should not be considered if the symptoms are better accounted for by DYSTHYMIC DISORDER or if they occur exclusively during MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODES.  Passive-aggressive behaviors are frequently encountered in everyday life, particularly among those in authoritarian situations (e.g., work, military, prison) that do not tolerate other forms of assertiveness.  Only when these passive-aggressive personality traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute a disorder.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
Clinician’s Thesaurus, 4th Edition

CARDINAL FEATURES:

Intentional ineffectiveness and unacknowledged hostility.

INTERPERSONAL ASPECTS:

Superficially submissive.
Indirect control of others without taking responsibility for actions, or anger, denies/refuses open statements of resistance/maintains own “good intentions.”
Cannot say a direct “no,” indirectly expressed resistance to demands of others for performance, thwarts/frustrates authority/spouse/partners/relatives.
Intentional but unconscious passivity to hide aggression, denial of/confusion over own role in conflict, gives mixed signals (“go away and come close”) hostile defiance alternating with contrition.
Overcritical, “left-handed” compliments, subtle attacks, blames, insults, complains to others/”bitches,” critical of boss/all authorities/those with power/control over him/her, carping/fault-finding as defense against intimacy/commitment, unnecessary and prolonged argumentativeness.
Autocratic/tyrannical, demanding, manipulative, harassing, ruminates, troubled/conflictual relationships.

AFFECTS:

Denial of most emotions (especially anger, hurt, resentment), hostile motives, deeply and persistently ambivalent, sullen, envious, resentful.

VOCATIONAL/ACADEMIC ASPECTS:

Intentional inefficiency that covertly conveys hostility, veiled hostility, resents control/demands, fails to meet deadlines.
Qualifies obedience with: tardiness, dawdling, sloppiness, stubbornness, sabatoge, “accidental” errors, procrastination, forgetfulness, incompleteness, witholding of critical information/responses/replies, leisurely work pace.
Not lazy or dissatisfied with job, but spotty employment record, no promotions despite ability.

FROM:  “Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders,”
Aaron T. Beck, Arthru Freeman……Some of the typical beliefs that are listed for the Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder (pg 360)

*BASIC BELIEF:  I could be stepped on   STRATEGY:  Resistance

*The only way I can preserve my self-respect is by asserting myself indirectly…for example, by not carrying out instructions exactly.

*I like to be attached to people but I am unwilling to pay the price of being dominated.

*Authority figures tend to be intrusive, demanding, interfering, and controlling.

*I have to resist the domination of authorities but at the same time maintain their approval and acceptance.

*Making deadlines, complying with demands, and conforming are direct flows to my pride and self-sufficiency.

*it is best not to express my anger directly but to show my displeasure by not conforming.

*I know what’s best for me and other people shouldn’t tell what to do.

July 22, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Passive Aggressive Behavior

Here is an interesting post I found on DailyStrength.com (http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/7702197-passive-aggressivecovertambient-abuse/lastpage) :

Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you’ve been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, “Actions speak louder than words” when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don’t act until after they’ve caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by “forgetting.” How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren’t to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can’t trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else’s fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for others’ bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Confronting the Passive Aggressive:

Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things “off your chest.” Below are some ways you might approach your passive aggressive:

Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her bad behaviors.

Don’t attack his/her character.

Make sure you have privacy.

Confront him/her about one behavior at a time, don’t bring up everything at once.

If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity.

Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.

If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings.

Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.

Inside the Passive Aggressive:

The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his/her independence and sense of self to his/her spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.

The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety.

July 22, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Keeping Track

So it’s been over 5 months since my son has been born and nothing has improved.  I’ve decided that I need to start paying more attention and keep track of all the things that goes on in this house so that I can try to dig my way out of the brainwashing and the control and the emotional neglect.

My car is broken again (what a surprise!)  My friends are starting to ask me if Matt DOES THINGS to my car so that I can’t go anywhere.  I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.  But it’s been a long 2 weeks being stranded here again.  It’s been in the 90′s and 100′s the last few days with crazy humidity, so Liam and I haven’t even been able to take a walk.  We’ve been completely confined to our house, which has started to feel like a prison.

Matt has tomorrow and Sunday off, so I asked him last night if we could go to the comedy club tonight because Stacy won free tickets and it’s her birthday on Saturday.  He said no, that we didn’t have any money for drinks or anything.  I told him I had a little money in my purse that I got for my birthday that I’ve been saving for rummage sale money and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if we used a few dollars of it so that we could have a night out.  Then, he said that we didn’t have a babysitter, but I had already taken care of that, too.  My 17 year old brother, Tad, and his girlfriend, Ariel, actually ASKED me if they could babysit because they love Liam and I guess Ariel is crazy about babies.  Well, then, of course, Matt decided that he just didn’t FEEL like going anywhere tomorrow night.

So I dropped it, even though I was super annoyed.  About an hour or two later, I had spoken to Stacy and told her that we couldn’t go.  She was disappointed and asked if we could get together for lunch or something because she was really looking forward to seeing me.  I figured an hour or two in the afternoon wouldn’t be that big of a deal, and then Matt wouldn’t have to go anywhere.  So I mentioned this to him, and he got upset with me for even asking.  I reminded him that I never get to leave the house and the only time I’ve left the house in the last 2 weeks was to go to the grocery store and he and Liam were both with me.  He rolled his eyes and said that the only reason that he gets to leave the house is because he has to go to work in 100 degree weather.  I pointed out that even though he has to work in 100 degree weather, he still gets to leave the house for most of the day every day.  All he said was, “Whatever, Kiley,” and refused to talk any more about it.

THEN – as if that wasn’t all bad enough, I was running around last night trying to get stuff done – washing dishes, putting away laundry, etc., and Matt had been playing with Liam for not even 20 minutes and he yelled for me to come downstairs and take Liam.  I immediately asked: “Why?  What do you have to do?” just out of curiosity, because he had hardly seen his son at all in the past week and I figured he just needed to make a phone call or get something out of his car.  “Can you just take him so I can relax?” he snapped at me.  I stared at him.  He wanted me to take Liam so he could relax.  Like who cares if we don’t have clean laundry or clean dishes, as long as he can relax.  Like I don’t need to relax, myself, after taking care of a baby 24/7 for the last 5 months with no break and barely any help from him.

I was seething mad, as you might imagine.  I played with Liam for 45 minutes while Matt “relaxed” which basically consisted of sitting on the couch with his feet up, staring at the TV and not so much as even glancing at his son who was desperately trying to get his attention since he hadn’t seen him all day.  Then, to make matters worse, Matt wouldn’t even sit with me in the living room while I got Liam ready for bed.  He instantly jumped up and ran to his computer.  Go figure.  Then, when I finally got Liam to bed and got ready for bed and finally had a few minutes to sit down and relax, Matt stood up and said, “Well, I’m going to bed,” and went upstairs without even a hug or a kiss or a goodnight, or talking about anything.  I said “Seriously?” as he stomped up the stairs (his little tantrums have gotten SO old), and he didn’t even acknowledge me.

Then, this morning when he got up for work, he made a big deal out of giving me a hug and a kiss and saying I love you, which he usually doesn’t do because it’s 4:30 in the morning.  I rolled away from him.  At about 9:30 this morning, he sent me a text asking how my day was, and acting like everything was fine.  If he thinks I’m just going to forget about the way he acted last night without even apologizing or trying to make it up to me, he’s delusional, but I know how it’s going to go.  He’s going to get home from work and act like everything’s fine, and then if I try to bring anything up to talk about how he acted last night or even to explain why it’s important for me to get out of the house, he’s going to roll his eyes and tell me to get off of him and ask me why do I always need to bring things up over and over again and why can’t I just let things go and leave him alone?  Then, he’s going to try to make it my fault and say that I’m overreacting and that I’m crazy and that I don’t understand how hard he works.  And then he’s going to try to make me feel bad for him.  Ugh.  I’m so over it, but I don’t feel like I have any options.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I’m going to be stuck here forever.

July 22, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Decision Has Been Made

So after months and even years of waiting for M to make all the changes that he’s been promising to make, I’ve decided not to wait anymore.  I’ve realized that this is what my life will be like forever unless I do something about it.  I can’t change M or his behavior, but I can change my circumstances.  Looking back, waiting around, leaving my happiness up to someone is a rookie mistake.  I know now that if I want to be happy, I’m the one who has to make it happen.

So here’s my conclusion: I’m not happy with my relationship or with M.  I haven’t been for years.  I’ve been wasting so much of my time hoping for a miracle when the truth is, I know M.  I know how he behaves and I know how he thinks and I am 100% sure that he will never be able to change enough for me to be happy.

Here’s the latest circumstance I’ve found myself in:

I am no longer working.  I still have a job, but since I have a 4 month old baby, I have no time to do any work.  I’m lucky if I get a shower and a few minutes to eat during the day.  M refuses to watch L on his days off so I can work, and we can’t afford daycare.  It would basically cost me everything I make to send him to daycare.  Also, since I only make about $10.00 an hour, M has mentioned several times that it doesn’t pay for me to work, because he could work one day of overtime a week and make more than I could make in a week.  However, it’s been 4 months and he has not worked one day of overtime, even though we’ve talked about this dozens of times.

It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if we could pay our bills, but we can’t.  We’re about to lose our house because we’re behind on our payments, I have student loans that are due that I haven’t been able to pay, M owes over $5,000 on his credit card with a 23% interest rate that he hasn’t made payments on in months, he’s being taken to court because he never paid our insurance deductible from over a year ago when we had our house fire – the list goes on.  He wants to file bankruptcy, which I am totally against, but every time we have a little extra money, instead of making a payment on ANYTHING, he’ll spend it on fast food or cigarettes, or snacks from the gas station, or video games, or a new monitor for his computer, a book that he wants, etc.  I haven’t spent money on myself (besides basic things I need, like shampoo and conditioner, body wash, deodorant, etc.) in months.  I even used my birthday money (which I wanted to use to purchase a new camera because mine doesn’t work very well anymore – it’s over 8 years old) on bills, while he used his on a new LCD computer monitor and spending money for snacks, food, cigarettes, etc.

This whole time, I’ve been worrying about how I’ll get by on my own – what I’ll do for money, etc., but I’ve realized that this situation that I’m in right now is about as bad financially as it could possibly get, and it’s only going to get worse, because M is so irresponsible and lazy that he can’t and won’t deal with it.  I spent 3 hours one day filling out paperwork for him for our house so that we can get a loan modification and have a lower mortgage payment.  We sent it in and a few weeks later, apparently, they sent us some more paperwork to fill out and told us that a payment of a certain amount was due with the paperwork in no later than 2 weeks.  Well, he never told me about any of this, and since everything is in his name, and he takes care of the finances, I had no idea.  Needless to say, he never filled out any of the paperwork and didn’t send in the payment, so all of the paperwork I filled out was for nothing, and we’re probably going to lose our house.

I started looking through his mail after that, to make sure that I knew what was going on and I found a recent letter from our bank saying that to avoid foreclosure, he needed to call them immediately to work something out.  The letter was dated over a week ago.  I asked him if he had called and he said no.  He just had yesterday and the day before off of work and I reminded him several times throughout both days to call and he still hasn’t.  Also, he’s being taken to court for not paying the company that restored our house after the fire, and he is supposed to write a letter to them and to the court by next week and he still hasn’t done it.  He’s had over a month to do this.

He won’t allow me to make payments on my student loans because he says we can’t afford them, but if he would just work the overtime that he keeps saying he’s going to work, we could afford them, and we wouldn’t be losing our house.  I wouldn’t mind so much that he didn’t work overtime if he at least helped me on his days off, but he doesn’t.  I watch L all day and do all of the housework.  M watches TV, reads books, plays video games, takes naps, has friends over, etc.  If I ask him to do something, he complains, rolls his eyes, and most of the time, doesn’t even do it.  He will make supper once in awhile, if it comes down to either cooking or having to watch L.

If I ask him to watch L for a few minutes so I can get something done, he ALWAYS turns on the TV and plops L in front of it.  L is only 4 months old and I’ve told M hundreds of times that I don’t want him watching TV this early, because it’s not good for his brain development.  Several times, I’ve walked into the living room after cleaning the bathroom or doing laundry to find M on the couch watching TV, completely ignoring L while he laid on the floor and cried.  Sometimes, I’ve walked in on M playing video games with L on his lap, staring at the computer screen.

On top of all of this, M is crabby all the time and snaps at me and takes things out on me.  If I don’t agree with something he says or suggests, he accuses me of always arguing with him.  I’m not allowed to talk to him about anything serious, because it stresses him out and he has his own problems.  He’s not even kind to me when I cry.  I don’t trust him with L.  If L cries, instead of trying to figure out why he’s crying, M will just get frustrated and angry and will yell at L and swear at him and insult him and tell him that he’s difficult and that he’s a pain in the ass.  I don’t want L growing up thinking it’s okay for people to speak to him that way.  Even worse, I don’t want L to grow up thinking it’s okay to talk to other people that way.

L needs a positive male role model in his life.  I’m terrified of how he’ll grow up with M as his example.  I need to get out of here as soon as possible.

June 15, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Insensitive

What an awesome husband I have.  My mom called me this morning to let me know that my great-aunt, who’s been like a grandma to me my whole life, is in the hospital, and it’s not looking good.  My H and I were planning to run errands today, anyway, and I went in to his office (where he was playing video games) and asked if we could stop up at the hospital to see her for a little bit while we were in town, because if anything happened to her, I’d feel awful if I couldn’t at least see her one last time.

He was super short with me and acted annoyed, like it was a huge inconvenience for him to have to go to the hospital to see my dying aunt.  It’s not like I suggested we go and stay all day.  Then, I was crying, because it’s a sad thing to have to think about losing a loved one, and he didn’t even ask me if I was okay or get up from his computer.  He hardly even looked up at me.  It’s been over a half an hour and he hasn’t even come to check on me or comfort me.  What an asshole.

My aunt has been too ill to go to family functions for a few years, so he’s met her maybe once or twice, because he always refuses to go with me when I visit her.  You’d think if something was important to me, he’d make it a little more of a priority.  I guess I should know better by now…

January 25, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Hormones or Bad Husband?

Yesterday was one of those days where everything annoyed me.  I don’t have days like that too often, which is surprising, considering who I live with.

Here is what irritated me yesterday:

1.) My H still hasn’t carried the totes of baby clothes upstairs to the baby’s room so I can put them away.  He had Monday and Tuesday off and spent both days playing video games instead of doing the things he’s been promising to do for weeks/months.  Big surprise.

2.)  I just cleaned the bathroom and already there are chin hairs from him shaving all over the bathroom sink and vanity.

3.)  I tripped over SIX pairs of his shoes on my way in the door.

4.)  One of his three chores is garbage and recycling.  We have had a giant mountain of cardboard boxes from Christmas and baby stuff piled up by the door for weeks that I’ve been waiting for him to break down and put out with the recycling.  Yesterday, the pile, which had been leaning precariously for days threatening to fall, fell down and scattered all over the floor.  He didn’t even pick it up when he came home from work.  There is still cardboard all over our floor.

5.)  It occurred to me that even though we have 2 laundry chutes and 3 hampers placed strategically throughout our house, that he still throws his dirty socks, underwear and tee-shirts on the floor, even if it’s NEXT to the hamper.

6.)  99% of the the clutter in our house is his.  He leaves garbage lying everywhere, dirty dishes, dirty socks, hats, shoes, anything he can think of.  It never goes back to where it came from.  It just lies around waiting for someone to pick it up, and it’s never him.

7.)  I have exactly three pregnancy shirts with long sleeves that fit me right now.  The rest are short sleeved, or from earlier in the pregnancy.  After doing something to the sump pump in the basement, my H decided to wipe his dirty hands on my clean, white maternity shirt, ruining it.  And then, he decided not to tell me for days, while I searched for it frantically.  When I asked him if he had seen it last night, he said no, and then proceeded to wash it with a load of his work pants before confessing.  Needless to say, it is no longer white.  I was so mad, because if he had told me about it right away, I could have soaked it overnight and it probably still would have come clean.  Now I have a dingy, bluish looking white shirt, which really means that I now only have two maternity shirts that I can wear out in public.

8.)  My H was supposed to call and renew our auto insurance on Tuesday before it expired.  Even this was his day off and he did nothing else but play video games, he still didn’t “have time” to get around to it and now today he got pulled over on his way to work and got a ticket for not having a valid insurance card.  Then, he called me on his lunch and wanted me to do it so that he wouldn’t get pulled over again on the way home.

9.)  Then, on top of everything else, he came home and I was upset/annoyed and wanted to talk to him about everything that was on my mind, and he basically said that I was overreacting that there was no reason for me to be upset and that he would take care of everything (yeah, I’ve heard that before and I’m still waiting…) and that I shouldn’t stress myself out.  I asked him to give me a little head rub because that always helps to relax me and he gave me a 30 second head rub and then went to go watch TV.  I asked him to come and unload the dishwasher (another one of his 3 chores) so that I could clean up the kitchen, and he rolled his eyes and gave me an attitude about it.

What an awesome life I have.  90% of my cleaning is picking up after him.  I’ve tried leaving it for him to pick up, but he doesn’t mind having a messy house and I hate it, so it ends up being a punishment for me, while he goes on being a slacker.

January 13, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

50 Questions

I came across a website today claiming to have a list of 50 questions that will free your mind.  I’ve decided to give it a shot.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  This is tricky.  Probably 25.  Over 21, so people will take you more seriously, but old enough to have had several life lessons and gained more wisdom.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?  Both.  I am afraid of failing, so often I never try or I give up before I start.  At the same time, if you never try, you never know if you might have succeeded.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?  Obligation, guilt, caring what people think, feeling that we need to be “responsible” and do the adult thing.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I hope not.
   
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?  Dependency on money.  The world would be a better place if it didn’t all revolve around money.  People take jobs they hate and stress themselves out all for the sake of money.  Think of how much happier everyone would be if money was not an issue.  People could do what they wanted and enjoy themselves and wouldn’t feel stuck in a bad situation being miserable because they didn’t have enough money to change their circumstances.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?  Writing fiction novels.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?  Because of the money issue, I am currently settling.  I wish I could afford to do what I love, but sometimes it takes money to make money, and it’s hard to have enough time to write when I have to spend most of my time doing things I dislike/hate in order to make enough money to live.  It’s a viscous cycle.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?  I would spend a lot more time with friends and family.  I would not waste as much time as I do now.  I would do more things that I enjoy.  I would not allow myself to be held captive by my relationship – I would try harder to find a way out.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?  I realize that most of my life has evolved from the choices that I’ve made.  I also realize that some things were beyond my control and just happened.  I think it’s maybe about 50/50, although it might have been shaped a little bit more by me, which is hard to think about because I hate my life right now.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?  Doing the right things?  I don’t know.  Sometimes both.  Sometimes neither.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?  I definitely try to stay out of things like that.  I don’t really like to gossip about other people and I try to avoid it.  If I was asked my opinion, I would definitely point out his/her positive qualities and tell them the reason this person was such a good friend of mine.  Maybe it would change their minds to see a different side of this person.  If not, it’s their business, not mine.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?  Every choice you make will affect the rest of your life somehow, so choose wisely.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?  It depends on what law would need to be broken and what the loved one needed to be saved from.  If it was a life or death thing, I would probably be willing to break more major laws.  If it was to save someone from facing the consequences of their actions, no, I would not break any laws.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?  I don’t really know how to answer this – I guess so?  I’ve read books or seen movies that while I was reading/watching, I thought, this is weird!  But then after it was over and I thought about it, it seemed kind of brilliant.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?  I work from home.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?  Because not everyone is like me.  Everyone likes and dislikes different things and that’s what makes the human race so complex.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? I have not finished my novel or submitted it for publication.  What’s holding me back?  I’m afraid of what my friends and family will think of it.  I’m afraid that it will be a failure.  I’m afraid to spend so much time and put so much effort into something that might go unnoticed and turn out to be a waste.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?  Yes.  A few things.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?  I would move to Europe, probably France or Italy.  They seem to live at a slower pace and they really take the time to enjoy their lives and focus on what’s important.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?  I usually only push it once unless it seems that I’m waiting a long time or it’s not lit up, and then I’ll push it again.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?  A joyful simpleton.
22. Why are you, you?  Because this is all I have to work with at the moment, based on the choices I’ve made and the circumstances that I’ve created for myself.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?  Yes, I think so.  I always try to be the best friend possible.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?  When a good friend moves away.  Actually, they’re both horrible.  I’ve experienced both of these and they’re both sad.
25. What are you most grateful for?  My health.  My ability to write.  My eyesight.  My son.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?  I can’t even decide.  Lately, I’ve spent so much time focusing on old memories because my present has been so miserable.  I haven’t really formed a lot of good memories in the past few years, and that has been a sadness for me, also.  So I guess, if I had to choose, I would choose to be able to form new memories.  I have hope that my life will improve, and then I could forget the past (although it would be sad to lose that) and start fresh.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?  Yes.  Example – those who believe in God and the Bible.  It’s not always easy to find “proof”, but you just believe and trust and hope.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?  I have a lot of greatest fears, most of them involving my death, so no, I can’t say that they have.  I have had a house fire, though, which was terrifying.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?  It’s not nearly as strong, but some of it is still going on now, so that part does still matter.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?  I think spending time with my dad.  It’s special because I have a very close relationship with my dad.  We’re a lot alike and he’s one of the most loving, supportive and generous people I know.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?  Sadly, when I left my husband for a few months last spring.
32. If not now, then when?  Before that, it was before I started dating my husband.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?  Good question.  Time.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?  Yes.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?  Maybe they are more passionate about their causes because they love so much.  They’re more involved.  Maybe it just matters more to them.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?  I think so.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?  Yes.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?  More work that I enjoy doing.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?  Yes.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?  I don’t even remember.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?  My parents.  An old boyfriend who I still care very much about.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?  No, I don’t think so.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?  Happiness and having something to live for.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?  I wish I knew the answer to this.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?  Because mistakes can be very costly and nobody likes to be a failure.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?  I would leave my marriage.  I would finish my book.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?  This morning.
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?  I don’t know anymore.  I used to love to read, and I try to do that quite a bit still, but nothing really holds as much appeal for me as it used to.  I think it’s just because I’m a little depressed right now.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?  No, probably not.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?  A little bit of both.  I’m not really in the position to make the decisions that I know I need to make right now, so I’m kind of just waiting it out until I have the chance to get my life back.

January 13, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Waiting it Out

After talking to my counselor last week, I decided to wait until after the baby’s born to move out.  It would be different if I was keeping the house, or if I had a great job where I made enough money to support myself and a child, but that, unfortunately, is not the case.  I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t make enough money right now to support myself and a baby.  That’s a scary thing to have to deal with when you’re 8 months pregnant.  I was so stressed about it that I was having problems sleeping and having contractions, which is not so good for me or the baby.

On New Year’s Day, I had a long talk with my H about our relationship.  New Year’s Eve, I had wanted to go see an old favorite band from high school play, because they were going to be in the area and I thought it would be fun.  A few friends were going to go, too, and I was excited about it.  Of course, my H complained that he HATED that band and that he did not want to go.  Sick of him always ruining the things that I want to do, I said fine, I’ll go without you.  Well, he threw a fit about us not spending New Year’s Eve together, so I went through the trouble of inviting some of his friends to make it more enjoyable for him.  After a few of his friends said they’d go, my H decided that he was not going, no matter what.  Then, he proceeded to tell me that we couldn’t afford to go and that we should really just stay home and not spend any money.  I was still planning to go, but then it turned out that we were supposed to get freezing rain and snow that night and it was over an hour drive for me each way, so I agreed that we would just stay home and have a nice evening together.

At around noon on New Year’s Eve day, my H came upstairs and asked if we could go spend the evening with several of his friends who were all getting together to play games and drink.  I just kind of stared at him, because we had already made plans to go out to dinner and rent movies and make fondue and watch the ball drop.  I was sort of looking forward to spending New Year’s Eve at home, spending quality time with my H.  Finally, I said that I didn’t think we should go, because we were supposed to get freezing rain, and we would have to drive about a half an hour each way, plus, they all smoke and they smoke in the house, and I didn’t really want to sit in a smokey house all night with a bunch of drunk people.  I also said that it wouldn’t be fair if went to his “thing” when he flat out refused to go to my “thing.”  He got upset and acted like a baby all afternoon.

I was really irritated and finally, I told him that if he wanted to go, that he could, but he’d have to have someone come and pick him up and bring him there, because then I would just use my car and go to my concert, which I wanted to go to all along.  He didn’t really say anything but was really crabby with me and refused to even talk about  it.  He played video games all afternoon, and I wasn’t really sure what we were going to do, when finally, he asked me what time I wanted to go to dinner.  I was kind of surprised, but I told him.

The rest of the night was kind of enjoyable.  We went to Applebee’s for dinner, and then came home and watched a movie that we had rented.  At around 10 pm, we made the cheese fondue, which was delicious.  We sat on the floor and ate it like a picnic.  Then, we put in our second movie, and I fell asleep halfway through it.  My H woke me up a few minutes before midnight, and we watched the ball drop.  Then, we went to bed.  It was really mellow, but really nice.

New Year’s Day, my H played video games ALL day, so I sat on the couch and read a book.  Finally, at around 8 pm, he stopped playing and came in the living room by me.  I was kind of sad and lonely, because I had just spent the whole day by myself.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him.  He said, “I’m sorry you’re not happy with our relationship.”  That wasn’t what I had said.  I had simply said that I was sad and lonely because I had spent the whole day by myself, but of course, that’s the kind of thing he always does – twisting my words.  But this time, he was right.  I decided to let it all out.

I told him that no, I wasn’t happy with our relationship.  I told him that the relationship that we have is not the kind of relationship that I want and that it wasn’t what I signed up for.  I told him that I’m not asking him to change, but that it’s not working the way it is now.  He tried to blame me, saying that he’s always the one that has to change and that I’ll just never be happy, no matter what.  I just sighed and said that I was happy every day of my life until I moved in with him.  I repeated again, that I was not asking him to change, but I was just curious how long he thought our relationship could last the way things were going.  He said I don’t know.

Then, I asked him what he expected out of a marriage, because we had never talked about that.  I asked him what he wanted and needed from me and he said he didn’t know.  I told him that it seems that what he wants from a relationship is for his wife to leave him alone, and do all of the cooking and cleaning and take care of all of the household stuff, and let him do whatever he wants.  He wants all the “perks” of a marriage without having to put in the work.  I told him what I need from a marriage – how I need to have someone that I can talk about serious things with, no matter what, without being interrupted, or being treated like my feelings don’t matter, or that it’s not important.  I need someone who is going to be an equal partner with me and pick up after himself and keep our house clean.  I told my H that I think that he needs to go to counseling.  I think he has a lot of issues in his life that he has never dealt with, and I think it’s impossible for him to love someone as much as they need to be loved when he doesn’t even love himself.

He started crying and I started crying.  He said that maybe it’s not going to work out between us.  I said maybe not.  Then, he went outside and had a cigarette.  For those five minutes that he was outside, I couldn’t stop smiling.  I felt free and relieved.  Maybe we could break up and know that it’s the best thing for us both.  Maybe we could just agree that we’d done everything we could and we’re just not compatible.  Then, my H came back inside.

I asked him where we should go from here and he said that he didn’t think we should give up yet.  He said we needed to keep trying.  I agreed, because it’s too much to deal with, considering we’re having a baby in about 6 weeks.  But at least I got it out there.  At least he knows how I feel and what I need from him.  I won’t feel so bad having to end things knowing that I got this all out there.  I won’t feel like I’m catching him off guard, or that he didn’t see it coming.  I won’t be the bad guy for ending it because he knows I’m unhappy with the relationship.  I’ve done all I can do.  This is our last opportunity to get it right, and then I can’t waste anymore time on it.  It will either change, or it won’t.  And because I know my H so well, I think I already know it won’t.  But I won’t be disappointed this time.  I’m expecting it.

Until then, here I sit, waiting it out, day by day.  I’ve been getting the baby’s room ready and washing baby clothes and organizing household items.  I’ve been slowly trying to downsize without being obvious about it so I won’t have as much stuff to move.  I wish I could stay here.  I wish I could afford to keep this house and he could just move out, but unfortunately, that’s just not the case.

I love him, but I hate our relationship.  I hate feeling like this.  I hate who I am when I’m with him.  My H commented the other night that I always seem sad whenever he comes home from work.  I never noticed it before.  I feel happy all day when he’s gone, but the minute he gets home, it’s like my whole attitude changes.  I don’t feel free anymore.  I feel obligated to be this person that he expects me to be.  I don’t do anything I like to do when he’s home, except watching certain things on TV.  Even though I complain so much about all the time he spends playing video games, I almost prefer it, because then I can watch what I want on TV and do things that I want to do.  It just bugs me because I want to have a husband that WANTS to spend time with me.  And I want to have a husband that I WANT to spend time with, also.  I think it’s a bad sign that we’re happiest when we’re not spending time together.

January 9, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Dating

After we had been dating for a month or so, my H finally kissed me.  We were drunk.  After that, we began spending a lot more time together and really became boyfriend and girlfriend.  He still didn’t call every day, but it was almost every day, and we spend almost every weekend together.

During the week, it was hard for us to see each other, because I worked 8 am -5 pm and he worked 3 pm- 11 pm.  We lived a half an hour apart and I was usually in bed by the time he got home from work.  When I got done with work, he was already at work.  Seeing each other only on weekends definitely made us miss each other more and made our time together seem extra special.  Plus, he was always on his best behavior.

We had been “together” for about three months when he asked me to move in with him.  I was shocked and surprised.  I said no, that I definitely wasn’t ready for that, and he made me feel really bad about it.  He said that it was too hard for him only to see me on weekends and that he wanted to see me every day.  His lease was up at his current apartment and he thought it would be the perfect opportunity for us to get our own place.  I remember feeling a little strange about the way he reacted when I said no.  He got a lot more upset than I thought he would and seemed to take it really personally and get really defensive, even though I wasn’t attacking him in any way.  Of course, I didn’t dwell on this, thinking that he was just disappointed or feeling rejected.

A month or so later, my H was cooking me dinner at his apartment.  He was making beef tips over noodles.  He wouldn’t let me help, so I sat in the living room and talked to his roommate, who was also my friend.  All of a sudden, we hear swearing.  Loud, angry swearing.  We got up to go to the kitchen to see what was the matter.  My H had been straining the noodles and they all had somehow fallen into the sink.  I had never seen anyone react so strongly or so angrily to something so little.  I felt a scared and intimidated.  After an angry tirade, he stormed off and left without a word to his roommate or me.  My friend and I just stared at each other.  I didn’t know what to say.  It scared me that he had such a temper and that he would get mad over something so little that most people would have just laughed off.  I remember thinking to myself, “what am I doing with this guy?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a lot of time to think this over.  My H was back in about 20 minutes with more noodles and he seemed to be in a good mood.  He apologized for his outburst and said he had just been having a rough week.  He seemed so nonchalant about all of it, like it was no big deal, so I let myself put it out of my mind temporarily.  We had a nice dinner and the rest of the evening was nice, even though that incident floated like a black cloud in the back of my mind.

A week later, my H’s grandma died.  He was heartbroken, and I comforted him.  Any thoughts I had had about leaving him went away when I saw him crying after his grandma’s funeral.  I suddenly realized that there was something broken about him, and I felt like it was up to me to fix it and to fill whatever was missing in his life.  I should have realized right then that that’s impossible.  You can’t fix other people.  They have to fix themselves, and a lot of them don’t want to be fixed.

My H and I began to fight.  Not every time we saw each other, but maybe once a month.  Even though we were only seeing each other on weekends, this seemed to be too much time for him.  He wasn’t getting enough personal time.  This was right around when I found out about his video games.  I had told him in the beginning, when we first started hanging out, before we were dating, that I don’t guys that do drugs, and I don’t date guys that play video games.  He knew this before we even started dating.

I found out that he had been smoking weed for most of our relationship, even though he had PROMISED me when we started dating that he used to smoke weed, but he didn’t anymore.  He knew how I felt about it.  I was so mad at him, and he acted like it was no big deal and I was making a big deal out of nothing.  I kept telling him that he had LIED to me.  He knew how I felt about something, he lied about doing it so that I would date him, and then he kept doing it and hid it from me.  I didn’t know if I was more upset about the fact that he was still doing it or the fact that he had hidden it from me and lied about it.  We almost broke up that night.  I’m not sure why we didn’t, but we were both drunk, and I know he somehow manipulated me into believing that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

A few weeks later, we fought about his video games.  I was staying at his house that weekend, which was what usually happened on weekends, because he never wanted to come to my house, because I had moved back in with my parents to save some money.  He played video games almost the whole day on Saturday.  I was so upset.  I told him how I felt – about how I was at his house spending the weekend with him and I felt neglected and hurt that he was in the basement playing video games the whole day.  He told me he needed space and that I should go do something with my friends.  I could not believe it.  I left and went back home to my parent’s house.  He called me that night and wanted to do something.  At first I said no, because I was still mad and I had already driven all the way back home.  He begged and apologized and of course told me exactly what I wanted to hear until I finally caved and drove back to his house so that we could hang out.

A few weeks later, my car broke down.  My H kindly offered me the use of his parent’s loaner car.  They owned an auto shop and he said it would be no trouble for me to use this car.  We went and picked it up and I thanked them.  We went back to his house for a few hours before I had to leave, because it was Sunday night.  There was a terrible blizzard and the roads were just awful.  I was worried about driving this strange car 30 miles in such dangerous conditions, so I asked my H if it would be okay if I just spent the night at his house again, since I had all my stuff there already.  I worked only about 10 minutes from his house, so it would save me driving 30 miles back home in a blizzard and 30 miles back the next day (it was supposed to keep snowing all night).  HE  SAID NO.  He said he had plans to play video games that night and that I should just go home.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so hurt.  I grabbed my stuff and left.  I cried all the way home.

I was so upset that I called him when I got home to talk to him about how hurt I was.  We ended up getting in a fight over the phone, and he somehow convinced me that he was right and I was wrong, and I should let him have his space.  I couldn’t help thinking that he would have had even less “space” if we had moved in together like he had wanted.  We didn’t see each other all week, and on Friday, he called and acted like everything was fine and wanted me to come over.  I was so surprised that he was acting that way, so I thought that maybe I should just let it go and not hold a grudge.  It was in the past.  He hadn’t meant to hurt me.  It wouldn’t happen again now that he knew how I felt about it.  I decided to forgive him and drove to his house.  After all, I was lonely and I didn’t just want to sit home alone on a Friday night.

Things were extra good between us that weekend.  He was extra sweet and extra attentive.  In fact, things were pretty good between us for a few weeks.  He started taking me to lunch on Wednesdays, too, so that we could see each other once during the week, too.

It was April, and it was my birthday.  I spent the night at his house the night before my birthday.  He got up when I got up, which surprised me, because he had to work at 3, so I figured he’d sleep late.  Then, I thought that maybe he was going to surprise me and make me breakfast while I was in the shower.  I showered and got ready and came downstairs.  He was nowhere to be found.  There was no breakfast waiting for me.  I went down to the basement to see if he was down there.  Sure enough, there he was playing video games.  I asked him if he wanted to come and hang out with me for a few minutes before I left, since he was up.  He said sure, he’d be up in a minute.

Almost 15 minutes later, he came up from the basement.  I was already getting my shoes and coat on, because I had to leave for work.  He gave me a hug and a kiss and said goodbye and happy birthday.  I was annoyed.

Later that night, I called him to see if he wanted to do something for my birthday (I had the next day off).  He said no, that he was playing video games with his friends.  I reminded him that it was my birthday, and he said, “yeah, I know.  I saw you last night and this morning.”  I was crushed.  I was so embarrassed that this was happening to me that I made up an excuse to my friends as to why he couldn’t come.  I did this a lot during our relationship.  I didn’t want people to know that he didn’t love me as much as I wanted him to, so I lied for him.  I made excuses for him.  I forgave him, hoping that it would never happen again.

In May, I got my own apartment so that I could be closer to work and closer to my H.  It was a horrible, old apartment, and every night, this creepy old man that lived next door would throw parties and play heavy metal music so loud that it shook the whole building.  I got approximately 20 minutes of sleep a night that whole week.  My H offered to come and stay with me one night, and he said that when the music came on, that he would go over and talk to the guy and explain that I had to work in the morning.    My H had to work until 11, so he said he’d probably be over around 11:30.  I sat up and waited for him, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, anyway.

The music started around 10.  It got louder and louder.  People were yelling and shouting and screaming.  I couldn’t believe it.  I turned on my TV and put on a movie to drown it out.  I couldn’t even hear my TV.  Somehow, I dozed off.  I woke up and it was after midnight.  I looked at my phone to see if my H had called.  He hadn’t.  That was weird.  I tried calling him to see if he was on his way.  He didn’t answer.  I waited about a half an hour.  He still hadn’t called me back, so I tried calling him again.  Still no answer.  I was worried.  At around 1:30, he still hadn’t returned my call, so I tried calling him again.  He still didn’t answer.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and I was so worried about him.  At around 2 am, I decided I would just get in my car and drive over to his house to see if he was there.  If something had happened, his roommate would know.  I drove the 6 blocks to his house and saw his car in the driveway.  The light was on his bedroom.  I used my key and unlocked the door and went upstairs.  He had moved his computer desk and computer up to his bedroom and was playing video games in his boxers.  His phone was sitting on his computer desk right in front of him.

I was furious.  He looked at me as I walked in and asked me what I was doing there.  I told him that he was supposed to have come over at 11:30 after work.  He said he hadn’t gone to work.  He called in because he wanted to play video games.  I was so mad I started to cry.  I told him that I had been waiting for him for hours and that I couldn’t sleep and I was so worried and how could he do this to me?  He got mad that I would be mad at him for something so stupid and we ended up fighting until four in the morning.  I was so tired I fell asleep on his bed and he went back to playing video games.  I got up at 7 and hurried to get ready for work.  I left without saying goodbye.

My H called me that night and apologized and made all sorts of excuses for his behavior.  I was so tired I didn’t even want to talk about it.  He apologized to me every night that week and promised that it wouldn’t happen again.  I am ashamed to say that I believed him, and we were okay again.

December 28, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.